is ignorance bliss… or just egg on your face?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I am a victim of domestic violence.

Even writing that sentence is complicated for me.

Some days, I can say it more easily than others. I would never use the word comfortable, but there are days when I can acknowledge that it is part of my story.

Domestic Violence isn’t a “look” it’s an experience in which there is an abuser and a victim. No gray area, just black and white.

Then there are other days when I find myself living in what I jokingly call my denial bubble.

Not because it isn't true.

Because sometimes the truth is still painful. Sometimes it is surreal. Sometimes I simply don't want domestic violence to be the thing I am thinking about that day.

Yet, for as long as I can remember, I have believed something very strongly.

Be careful with people.

You don't know what someone is carrying.

You don't know what happened before they walked into the room, answered your text, posted their question, showed up to work or sat down next to you.

And you certainly don't know how much they have already had to carry.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a harmless question in a Facebook group.

I was considering going somewhere during the first couple weeks of November, my birthday month, and wanted to know what the weather was generally like that time of year.

That was it.

People responded with exactly what I was looking for. Some said the weather was beautiful. Others said it could be rainy or cold. Some recommended another time of year.

Perfect.

That is why I asked.

Then someone responded, essentially, check the weather app.

I let it go.

Then another person said something similar.

And then another comment came through implying that apparently people don't know how to use weather apps.

As I stood in my kitchen that morning making breakfast, packing lunches, unloading the dishwasher, doing laundry, getting kids ready and preparing myself for my own workday, I remember thinking, why?

Why spend your energy diminishing someone over a harmless question?

You could have scrolled.

You could have said nothing.

You could have assumed there was a reason someone wanted the lived experience of other people rather than a weather forecast.

Instead, you chose tacky.

And sometimes when we choose judgment without context, we end up wearing a little egg on our face.

Then this weekend gave me another example.

My youngest son turned nine.

Happy 9th Birthday time for Witten!

Because of our parenting schedule, his birthday morning was spent with his dad this year, and I picked him up early the next morning to begin our birthday adventures.

There had been messages from people who love him wishing him a happy birthday, and I was excited to share those with him because words of affirmation mean a lot to him.

Later in the day, someone close to him reached out about FaceTiming.

Absolutely.

I sent him off to have his conversation privately because I want my kids to have safe relationships with the people who love them without feeling like Mom is hovering over every word.

During and after that conversation, I received a few questions.

I answered them honestly.

One of those questions involved when I would be back in town.

I live in Arizona. Texas is home for me. Life has become more complicated than a one-sentence answer can usually explain.

My answer apparently wasn't received the way I had hoped.

The response that followed felt heavy. It felt like guilt. It felt like shame.

And that is where this entire conversation about ignorance changes for me.

Less than 48 hours before receiving that message, I had been dealing with a situation that required me to call the police in order to enforce something related to the circumstances I continue navigating.

• Think about what that does to a person for a minute.

• What it does to your dignity.

• What it does to your sense of safety.

• What it does when you are once again reminded, in a very real and tangible way, of how serious your situation actually is.

And then, less than 48 hours later, someone I care about and had hoped would respond with more understanding sent a message that landed in one of the most vulnerable places trauma creates.

They didn't know what had happened.

They didn't ask.

They assumed.

And that is the part I think we miss when we talk about awareness.

Domestic violence isn't only about what happens in one incident.

There is a mental, emotional and psychological impact to prolonged abuse that doesn't magically disappear because the immediate moment is over.

I live with complex PTSD as a result of prolonged trauma.

Prolonged trauma can deeply affect the way a person experiences safety, stress, guilt and shame.

And guilt and shame can become enormous.

When someone has spent years being conditioned to believe they are always doing something wrong, guilt can become something they carry almost automatically.

Someone can hand it to you, and before you even realize what happened, you have picked it up.

That used to be me.

A year ago, that message probably would have stayed with me.

I would have replayed it.

Analyzed it.

Wondered what I should have done differently.

Questioned myself.

Carried guilt that wasn't mine and shame I hadn't earned.

But this time, something completely different happened.

A meme popped into my head.

On one side was the idea of someone else saying, I am a victim because I want to play one.

And on the other side was me saying, I am a victim. I don't play one.

And I let the message go.

What I don’t share were my living conditions right before and during the divorce in my own house. I hid it because of shame and guilt. Scared to make the other person look bad to the world. Instead trying to look like nothing was wrong to the world.

That is growth.

I don't share any of this because I need pity.

I don't.

I share because somebody needs to talk about the things we don't talk about.

Somebody needs to say that you can be strong, successful, capable, productive, loving, funny, ambitious and doing really great things in this world and still be surviving something.

Both can be true.

I am surviving.

I am trying to thrive.

I am getting my legs underneath me again.

I am protecting my children the best way I know how.

I am advocating.

I am working.

I am building.

I am loving people.

I am doing meaningful things in this world.

And I am also learning that I no longer have to carry every burden somebody tries to hand me.

Maybe that is one of the greatest gifts this year has given me.

My circle has gotten tremendously smaller.

At one time, I might have viewed that as loss.

Today, I understand it differently.

I am getting really good at understanding why certain people cannot sit at the table with me.

Not everyone deserves access simply because they once had it.

Safe people lean in.

Safe people seek understanding.

Safe people don't need to one-up your pain.

Safe people don't weaponize guilt and shame because they don't like an answer.

And considerate people remember something incredibly simple.

There may be something happening in someone's life that you know absolutely nothing about.

You don't have to understand someone's entire story before treating them with kindness.

You don't need their diagnosis.

You don't need their trauma history.

You don't need every detail.

You just need enough humanity to realize that perhaps you don't know everything.

Because ignorance might occasionally be bliss.

But ignorance combined with judgment?

Sometimes that is simply egg on your face.

As for me, I am going to continue protecting my peace.

Getting my legs back under me. I nervous system feels safe in moments like this when I know I’m 1,000+ miles away.

I am going to continue being brave.

I am going to continue walking the path I am on.

And I am going to keep learning which burdens belong to me and which ones don't.

Because I already carry enough things that actually are mine.

I will no longer carry the ones that aren't.

As always, I see you. I love you. You matter to me.

-Hugs,

Sam