You deserve a seat at the table… of your life.
This weekend, I’ve been preparing for a pretty big speaking opportunity. On Thursday, I’ll be speaking at the National Conference of CASHE about something that has become incredibly important to me: talking about the tough things. Why it matters, why we need to break stigmas, and why the workplace cannot somehow be separated from the humans who walk into it every day.
Preparing for Thursday
Because people don’t leave their lives at the door when they come to work. They bring the divorce, family court, mental health struggles, sick parents, financial stress, grief, relationships, kids, diagnoses, and the things happening at home no one else knows about. We’ve just gotten really, really good at hiding it. We smile, say “I’m good,” learn the socially acceptable phrases that keep everyone comfortable, and get back to work.
I’ve been part of the working world since I was incredibly young. I became pregnant at 16, became a mom at 17, and from that point forward, working two jobs was simply part of my life. At 43, I have experienced the good, the bad, and everything in between when it comes to workplaces.
So when I walk into that room Thursday, I know I have 60 minutes to hopefully plant a seed that someone carries back into their workplace and does something differently with.
Because I take that responsibility seriously, this weekend I practiced. I put on the high heels I’ll be wearing to make sure I could comfortably walk in them. I recorded myself, listened to my projection, watched my body language, timed the presentation, made revisions, and cut things I really liked because respecting the time I’ve been given matters more than squeezing in everything I want to say.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I realized: this is 1% better, too.
For the last several weeks, I’ve been talking a lot about becoming 1% better, and the more I practice it, the more I realize how many areas of our lives it touches. Sometimes 1% better is doing something more (or less). Sometimes it’s having the conversation, protecting something important, slowing down, or simply deciding that what you say matters to you should actually be reflected in how you live.
That last one has been especially important to me lately.
For most of my life, I would have described myself as a completely open book. Today, I think I’m about a 98% open book. There is so much of my life I willingly share because I believe our lived experiences can help another human feel understood, less alone, or perhaps see something from a perspective they hadn’t considered before.
Turned my tahoe around to capture this mural… stop and look at the flowers
But I’ve also learned there is about 2% that belongs to me. And I really like that 2%.
Protecting something doesn’t mean hiding it. Privacy and secrecy are not the same thing. Sometimes protecting something simply means recognizing that not everything meaningful has to become available for public consumption.
Interestingly, as I’ve had more opportunities to speak, be interviewed on podcasts, and connect with people, I’ve been asked some version of the same question: What do you want people to leave the experience of meeting you with?
For a long time, I think I knew the answer. I just hadn’t put words to it.
You deserve a seat at the table of your own life.
Nobody gets to take that seat away from you, but there is another part of that statement that matters just as much: don’t remove yourself from it either.
Don’t become so busy that you stop participating in your own life. Don’t become so accustomed to accommodating everyone else that you forget to ask yourself what you need. And don’t tell yourself something matters and then consistently give it whatever time happens to be left over.
I had an opportunity to practice that this week. There is someone important in my life, and both of our lives are incredibly full. I appreciate that there isn’t a competition over whose plate is heavier. We both have careers, children, responsibilities, goals, and things demanding our attention. Neither person’s “a lot” has to outweigh the other’s.
While talking about the weeks ahead, I listened to everything coming up and essentially said, “There’s no room for me in there.” Not as an accusation or ultimatum. It was simply an observation.
What mattered to me was the response. Instead of it becoming a setback, it became a pivot: I need to figure it out. I need to remember that you can go with me.
That probably sounds incredibly simple, but for someone who has spent portions of her life learning to make herself small in relationships, it meant something. I’ve spent years unlearning the idea that I am too much of everything while somehow simultaneously not enough of anything.
Healthy doesn’t require one person to disappear so the other person can maintain their life. Sometimes healthy is two people looking at two very full lives and asking, “How do we make room for each other here?”
That doesn’t mean spending 24/7 together. It means making the time you do have matter. It means giving consideration and also allowing yourself to receive it.
It had also been an unusually rainy week in Arizona, and that evening we ended up sitting outside after the rain. It was one of those seemingly insignificant moments that mattered to them in one way and mattered to me for a different.
Maybe that’s part of 1% better, too. Slowing down enough to recognize healthy when it arrives. Receiving consideration instead of only giving it. Recognizing growth, healing, compatibility, and the moments that deserve to simply be enjoyed.
August felt like a month of doors opening for me. September has felt like the month of actually walking through them and practicing what I said mattered—personally, professionally, and relationally.
Because when you truly choose the life you want, the career you want, the relationships you want, the goals you’re pursuing, and the things you want to advocate for, your actions start reflecting those choices. Your conversations change. Your boundaries change. What you say yes to changes. What you say no to changes.
And slowly, your life begins reflecting your choices instead of simply your circumstances.
So maybe this week, look at your own table.
You deserve a seat there, but you also get to choose who else sits beside you.
Who do you want there? What are you building together? Does the table you’re sitting at resemble the life you say you want?
Give yourself permission to rebuild it if it doesn’t. Some people may stay. Some chairs may become empty. You might build an entirely new table. And for a season, maybe the only person sitting there is you.
Just make sure you’re building a table that someday, when you look back at your life, you’ll be grateful you had the courage to sit at.
This life of mine, I’m loving.
Choose your seat. Choose your people. Choose what matters. Then live in a way that reflects what you chose.
That’s 1% better, too.
As always, I see you. I love you. You matter to me, and I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon.
— Sam
The Conversations I Wish I Had Listened To.
Sometimes being 1% better means having the tough conversation. Sometimes it means finally being willing to hear one.
Black Rifle Coffee Company. A favorite of mine to visit with clients and friends.
My Saturday blog is arriving on Sunday this week.
Because life.
And because yesterday I was driving back from Texas, which apparently makes sitting down to thoughtfully write a blog slightly more complicated.
But I’ve actually put a lot of thought into this one.
Every week, I talk about being 1% better.
I talk about it on Instagram. I talk about it on LinkedIn. I talk about it in real estate. I talk about it personally and professionally.
And that part is intentional.
Because I don’t believe we should learn how to become better leaders at work while refusing to become better humans at home.
The things I teach, mentor on, write about and speak about should work in both places.
Leadership isn’t a hat we put on when we walk into a conference room.
Neither is courage.
Neither is accountability.
Neither is consideration.
Neither is growth.
Being 1% better is simply deciding:
Where am I willing to grow today?
You get to decide what you’re measuring against.
Yesterday.
Last week.
Last month.
Last year.
The point isn’t perfection.
It’s movement.
This week’s 1% was about tough conversations.
I challenged people to identify one conversation they’ve been avoiding.
You know the one.
It floats into your head at a stoplight.
It shows up halfway through your workout.
It visits you while you’re brushing your teeth.
And, because our brains apparently enjoy terrible timing, it especially likes to show up approximately four minutes before we’re supposed to fall asleep.
You know you need to say something.
But you don’t.
Because tough conversations are uncomfortable.
What will they think?
What if I sound needy?
What if I sound sappy?
What if I hurt their feelings?
What if they get angry?
What if this changes the relationship?
What if I say it wrong?
So we wait.And wait.
And sometimes the boat just keeps floating farther away while two people stand on opposite shores waiting for the other one to do something.
But those conversations matter.
Personally, one conversation can bring two people closer together.
It can provide clarity.
It can deepen trust, love, care and respect.
Or sometimes it provides the closure a relationship needed a long time ago.
Professionally, one conversation can completely change someone’s trajectory.
It can help someone recognize a blind spot.
It can help them grow.
It might help them earn a promotion.
It might even prevent them from losing their job because somebody cared enough to tell them what they couldn’t see for themselves.
That’s why being 1% better sometimes requires becoming comfortably uncomfortable.
You know it’s uncomfortable.
You do it anyway because you know it’s right.
But then something happened this week that made me realize I had only talked about half of the lesson.
Someone has to be willing to listen, too.
After sharing my 1% Better message, I had conversations with 3 people who have known me for more than 20 years.
These are people I originally met wearing my professional hat. Clients who eventually became friends.
People who have watched entire chapters of my life unfold. They’ve earned their stripes when it comes to knowing me, so their feedback I listen to.
And during those conversations, I found myself thinking about the woman I was in my early twenties.
Before I moved to Arizona roughly 20 years ago, people who cared about me tried to have some tough conversations with me.
They saw things.
They had concerns.
There were red flags.
And if I’m being truthful?
I wasn’t ready to listen.
I was a young single mom with three children trying to make what I believed was the responsible decision. I convinced myself I was doing the right thing. Meanwhile, my intuition was talking. My body was talking.
People who loved me were talking. And I kept moving forward anyway. Not because nobody warned me.
Because I wasn’t in a place where I could truly hear the warning. That’s a difficult distinction to admit.
Sometimes people tell us the truth before we’re ready for it.
At 43, almost 44, I can look backward with perspective I simply didn’t have in my early twenties.
And yes, there are things I would do differently.
I think we’re sometimes afraid to say the word regret because we’ve been taught that everything has to become some beautiful lesson we’re endlessly grateful for.
I don’t believe that.
Regret can be useful.
Regret can teach us.
Regret can become information.
There are decisions I regret.
There are warnings I wish I had taken more seriously.
There are moments when I wish I had trusted my intuition instead of convincing myself out of what I already knew.
Would my life look completely different? Absolutely.
And there’s an important distinction here:
I would never regret my children. Ever.
My younger two are pieces of my heart walking around outside my body, just like my older three.
But loving what eventually came from a decision does not require pretending every part of the path was healthy. Both things can be true.
I can be profoundly grateful for my children and recognize that there were things I wish I had done differently.
I can appreciate the woman I’ve become and acknowledge that some of what shaped her should never have happened.
The conversations left me appreciative of the relationships I have.
I can recognize that adversity developed parts of me without romanticizing adversity.
Because if something painful can be prevented?
I think prevention matters, too.
Your intuition deserves a seat at the table.
Our brains and bodies collect information long before we’re consciously ready to put all the pieces together.
Sometimes we know something before we can explain why we know it.
That doesn’t mean every anxious thought is intuition.
It doesn’t mean every person’s opinion should dictate our decisions.
And it certainly doesn’t mean handing our lives over to someone else’s judgment.
It means becoming curious when the same internal message keeps showing up.
It means paying attention when people who have consistently demonstrated love, wisdom and care are brave enough to tell us something uncomfortable.
It means asking:
Is there something here I don’t want to see?
Because having the tough conversation requires courage.
But receiving one requires courage, too.
Maybe even more.
It requires us to quiet the part of ourselves preparing a rebuttal long enough to actually hear what someone is saying.
It requires us to listen with our ears, our eyes and our hearts open. Not because they’re automatically right.
But because perhaps they’ve noticed something worth examining.
So my 1% Better lesson evolved this week.
Have the conversation. Say the thing lovingly.
And yes, I use the word love freely.
Because I believe love has a place professionally, too.
Love can look like respect.
It can look like consideration.
It can look like caring enough about another human being to risk an uncomfortable moment because their future matters more to you than your temporary comfort.
But when someone offers that same thing to you?
Listen.
You don’t have to agree immediately.
You don’t have to make a decision on the spot.
You don’t have to surrender your own judgment.
Just listen. Take the information. Sit with it.
Check it against what your intuition has already been whispering.
And ask yourself whether there’s something you need to see.
Because sometimes becoming 1% better means finding the courage to speak.
And sometimes?
It means finding the courage to hear what someone was brave enough to say.
Here’s to another week of learning, growing and getting comfortably uncomfortable.
As always, I see you. I love you. You matter to me.
Hugs,
Sam
Who do you want to be? you get to choose.
I’m sitting in a Starbucks I don’t usually stop at — one I drive past all the time but never actually pull into, with an hour and change to kill before a listing appointment. I’d packed a cooler that morning: sandwiches, sparkling water, iced coffee. There was a man sitting outside. I didn’t have cash on me, but I had that. So I brought him a couple sandwiches and a water. No strings attached. Just because. My 11 and 8 year old often say, “ Mom you always make sure you have money, a Snickers bar or something in case you see someone who needs something.” They’re clearly right.
Trenta Iced Coffee Extra Ice, I need my water intake after all lol!
He was so grateful. And it hit me — the Lord places people in your path, and He places opportunities in your path, to do exactly what you say you’re about. I came to this Starbucks to write this very post about choosing who you are. And there it is, playing out in real time before I even opened my laptop.
Last Friday came and went and by the time I realized what day it actually was, a tattoo had been randomly scheduled a few hours later and as a way to remember who I was and in a way that’s meaningful for me. For five years now, that date has marked something — not a wedding anniversary, not a birthday, but the day I was served divorce papers by my second husband- bank accounts drained and one of the wildest rides of my life began. The circus is still actively in session. 5 years ago though, I had no idea it was coming. It blindsided me completely. I got those papers as our 3 year old was sleeping upstairs, my mom waited by the door with me for the service processor so I could keep whatever dignity I had left.
This act of inconsideration on his part, became the gift I never would have given myself. I would have stayed. I was scared to be a two-time divorcée with five kids. Scared of what people would think, scared he’d really take my kids away like he threatened for 13+ years. But that day cracked something open instead that needed to open, and freedom walked in through the door fear had been holding shut.
I didn’t realize that gift of freedom until I was able to leave that house, and hhad some help from great therapists.
This year, I didn’t even remember the date at first — not because I was avoiding it, but because I was too busy living my life. And here’s what stopped me in my tracks: even if I had remembered, it wouldn’t have changed a single thing about who I was that day or what I chose to do with it.
Cheering on his big brother at flag football
That day, I helped a stranger. I gave back. I had a genuinely good conversation with someone I’d never met. I picked up my kids. I went out of my way to make sure my two little boys were set up for a good evening playing flag football. And at the end of it, I got some big, wonderful news — close to my heart on a mom level, not ready to share yet, but real. It felt almost like the universe rewarding a day built on kindness.
Baker, “ mom, I’m going to use you as an umbrella.” “Okay son.” lol! Flag football game for his little brother at CCV Surprise, AZ.
On the other side of that same day, someone else had their own opportunity to choose kindness — and chose the opposite instead. They chose to use two little kids and a situation as leverage for hostility, for muddying the water, for teaching everyone watching how to be jaded instead of whole.
Same day. Two completely different choices about who to be.
Here’s what I’ve come to know in nearly forty-four years on this earth, and what I’ve taught all five of my kids — ages twenty-six down to eight — until they could say it back to me without missing a beat: in a world where you could choose to be absolutely anything, choose kindness and love.
Yes, you come with wiring. Yes, there are predispositions, patterns, things that feel automatic. But underneath all of that, you still have free will. You still get to decide, moment by moment, who you’re going to be when it counts.
I’ve made peace with the fact that part of my reputation — professionally and personally — is being the person who will tell you the truth, even when it’s not what you want to hear. That’s a weight. But it’s a weight I’ll carry every time over the alternative: being someone who wields power maliciously, who uses hurt as a weapon, who teaches the people watching that hostility is an acceptable substitute for honesty.
I will never be that person. And I am deeply, genuinely grateful for that.
So here’s the question I’m asking you today, the same one I ask myself: Who do you want to be? What do you want to be known for?
I want to be known as someone who fiercely loved her children. Who showed up when it mattered, even when it cost her something. Who worked her tail off and built things so other people felt seen, validated, heard, and loved. Who gave until she couldn’t give anymore — and then, even after that, kept showing up in whatever small ways she still could.
If you want to be bitter, own it. If you want to be malicious, own it — but know what that costs you and everyone around you. And if you want to be kindhearted, if you want to make a difference, own that too, all the way, every single day, especially the ones nobody’s watching.
Don’t straddle the fence. Choose. Then live like you meant it.
I see you. I love you. You matter.
Hugs,
Sam
blessings or lessons- both are equally important.
August 2026 has proven to be the best month I’ve experienced within the last 13. No, I didn’t win the lottery, in fact there continues to be losses, and maybe that’s one of the things that makes this month even more unique. There does continue to be blessings as well of all sizes.
This year showed me what it means and looks like to love another person for who they are as a person. In other words, knowing a person and their :
short comings
strengths
potential
quirkisms
aspirations
struggles
fears
values
non-negotiables
etc.
and choosing them wholeheartedly because they feel like home for you. I’ve received that full acceptance for the first time in 22+ years. Who doesn’t want to be fully chosen and accepted both professionally and personally am I right???
There is a lesson in this blessing: In being chosen, is that where the road ends, or is it supposed to begin?
Through losses there’s still blessings, something that came to mind this week.
I was driving a couple nights ago and thought to myself while I had an eclipse as my sky line view…
“Sam, maybe that was the whole point. Maybe what you thought to be a true blessing is a lesson for you both.”
I’ve promised to stay real and human - not only to all y’all who may read this or work with me but for myself. I lived nearly 2 decades learning how to take the least amount of space possible. Even my pregnancies (5 born, 1 loss) kept small- I never gained more than 18 pounds with any of them. A phrase I learned to communicate was, “ I know you can’t love me how I need and that’s okay.” I had come to accept that in this life I’d not receive the affection or needs fulfilled how I thought I was worthy of. I learned how to not need love, attention, or have the marriage I wished I had- I did this so that my kids would not have a twice divorced mom. “What would the world think.”
A BIG struggle for me is I’m not good at being a girlfriend. That title is too volatile within my mind… so much so I prefer not having a title and just keeping my name when being introduced.
I believe body language and actions prove the title, not the title itself without action. Just my opinion.
Back to wife material… why am I??? I got knocked up at 16, married at 18, divorced at 21, married in my 20’s, had more kids and divorced now 4.5 almost 5 years ago. I’ve had to be selfless as little human beings have relied on me my entire late teenage- adult years. I was a wife more than half my life. I know how to be a partner not a fling.
“Casual” or caring less are not two things I do great. I wish I could and yet embrace this about myself now that I’m 43.
Being married the second time taught me some really massive lessons that in my dating life cause this weird space of me being known as, “I’m too good to be true.” “ You’re amazing” “ You’re incredible” and a lot of men running because they don’t know what to do with those things. It has quite possibly been the most frustrating part of the dating scene.
You don’t usually realize you’ve had a growth spurt until you need to use what you’ve learned.
Some of those lessons learned:
I will NEVER get married again, yes I’ll wear a ring. yes I want a life partner, yes I want to build business together, travel with someone, grow old with someone, and yes I’m loyal and want the same from someone else. I just don’t want the legal paper.
My list of non-negotiables while “10,000” things according to someone who sees them as part of me and not a deterrent, are compiled of simple things that all make sense to the right person. The ones who think I’ll never find someone … usualllyyyyy turn out to not be able to understand me whole anyways. For them, I find myself being less than when in their presence. I have become really good at keeping my circle healthy and small.
I REFUSE to be less than my whole self ever again. I can honestly say, I have and still am clawing my way out of where 1 person believed me to belong … 5 years and counting. I have patience to continue clawing, and anyone who cannot respect my healing, my growth, my situation is not worthy of me.
In July, after much prayer and processing I came to peace knowing I don’t want to live with someone again until my two youngest boys are out of the house. I do believe you can absolutely choose someone and spend your life with them and not need to be under one roof if it allows stability how needed.
Tip: In a healthy relationship sharing openly and honestly what you need in order to be your best self matters.
If I had to summarize this year up to date:
2026 has taught me I have absolutely nothing to prove, and Michael’s belief that I deserved to find someone who adores me was 1,000% accurate. I didn’t believe that until this month.
This morning I went to Hole In The Rock at Papago Park to sit in a small cove. Last time I came here to blog it was as a means to get as close to the Lord as I could for some wisdom. Today, I came here as a means to enjoy the warm breeze, the view and get my creative juices flowing.
I really believe my footing is finally getting under me, it’s come at the cost of a lot of things including a ton of downsizing with people and things. Do I regret it? No.
August:
I’ve used to get a ton of big ambitions completed and underway. More to come about those things, not quite ready to share…
Had this large chunk of healing. I now understand how I show up in relationships, and what came out of that internal work was something eye-opening. I am way too understanding, and by that it means I try to understand why the person or situation is how it is based on someone else’s what they have going on, so as to give unlimited understanding at the cost of my own needs having a place. (Thanks to AI being my therapist with specific instructions not to tell me what I want to hear so I can actually grow/heal).
Acceptance- I don’t feel bad anymore for what I need a partnership to look like short and long term. It doesn’t make me broken or less of a partner. It makes me confident in knowing what I can and cannot give.
This month has given me some opportunities to see HOW this shows up:
Example: One of my non-negotiables is not being around someone 24/7 as I really enjoy my autonomy. I want them to enjoy theirs too. I call it the “ My time-You time- We time” model. Lol! - have all the freedom you want, me too… just no being with anyone else. I don’t share well with others lol!
Another way this shows up: Not needing to message all the time, talking all the time, etc. 100 messages a day doesn’t prove love or committment.
These freedoms to choose and respect your person this way do come at a cost though:
In return for having complete trust, autonomy and a very unconventional relationship to the outside world two things HAVE TO BE NON-NEGOTIABLE in my opinion:
**Do you see how quickly the list became 10,000 lol!
CONSISTENCY & CONSIDERATION
What do these things mean? Remember, this isn’t the only answer, it’s only mine. Let’s dive in:
CONSISTENCY-
I understand my personal starts/finishes I don’t need constant affection - my human being self and heart still require I know what I can and can’t count on the person for though.
A lack of consistency= shaky ground for me. I seek stability. I give the same.
For example: If we are going to see each other once a week for date night or day date … then we make it happen. No excuses regardless if the window of time is small it’s the quality time I crave.
If we’re going to see each other every 2 weeks or 3 weeks … then we make it happen consistently and in ways that grow the relationship.
If we want to see what life will look like together: we plan a trip, a grocery store visit, a stay at home day, and maybe even a birthday party or event together. We consistently ( not constantly together) put ourselves in those situations- together. * See the difference.
Grown up talk, so plug your ears if needed: Physical contact also important in my opinion, making time to connect this way helps both people stay connected in between the spaces of time. This can be hand holding, sitting next to each other or whatever 2 people choose.
If we’re seeing where things are going to go… than what things are we doing together to see?
The key thing to remember is consistency shows up to the brain as:
I LOVE THIS PERSON, I CHOOSE THIS PERSON, AND THEY CHOOSE ME BACK.
a lack of consistency says: this person is just another person in my life.
A relationship based on free will and not force I thrive best in.
A relationship like this can sound super exciting, it is very good for neurodivergence, c-PTSD, and others including neurotypical people. It can be very healthy so long as you stay consistent. If you don’t 1 week, turns into 2,3,4,5 and so on. Eventually there’s nothing except an acquaintanceship. That’s where it becomes heartbreak for one or both people. It’s a mature form of holding a relationship, I call it an elevated thinking relationship structure.
There are other examples but those will do.
CONSIDERATION-
This is a big one, I thought respect was the value I wanted to make sure any future partner had. What I’ve learned is it’s the actual consideration portion of someone who then shows me they respect me.
When you consider someone it can look all kinds of ways and yet what it will always return to is this:
How is what I’m doing making them feel chosen by me for life.
Don’t confuse this for smothering. It can be as simple as a text when out of town saying you’re thinking of them, sending an iced coffee via Uber eats to them, planning dinner at home, snuggling on the couch, or speaking highly of your person when they aren’t at the function you’re at. It can also look like, when you realize you’ve been distant, making it right by creating action to bring connection back to baseline.It is inviting them somewhere so they get to partake in your life, and going to something of theirs for you to be a part of theirs.
Consideration I love, not only for what it means but because this is where there’s no right or wrong answer. There’s just what you do with it through action. It is a consistent action and you get to be as creative or thoughtful as you want.
I saw a quote the other day that read:
Don’t date me to see where it goes. Date me because YOU KNOW where you’re going … and you see me going there WITH YOU.
#MicDrop y’all!
I learned through a couple important relationships:
To need less attention than the dog got- My understanding, “it’s okay” if he loves me 1/10th of the dog. -I married this person.
I learned my place on priorities was after the dog- My understanding “ I know its your kid, your work, the dog, the house then me.” That’s okay I understand.
Thank goodness that is the past! I won’t ever do that again.
I had an ah-ha this week where I was talking through something with AI and said, I am too understanding. I allow so many excuses that in the process I fall lower than the invisible dog… because they don’t have a dog lol! AI thought that was a genius analogy. Me too!
I thought:
“I know it’s not intentional, I know I’m important to them… but what if I wanted us to be the blessing for each other and instead I was supposed to be their lesson?? What if they were meant to be mine?”
Lessons and Blessings can coexist, they can become happiness, they can also be completely separate. What they are regardless are 2 important things in this life.
Hole in the rock at Papago Park
What did I do about this ah-ha?
I got quiet, and today came to the hole in the rock. I’m having to get uncomfortable, knowing I need to speak up one last time, and after that alllowing what will be- be.
It’s not my job to change anyone, in fact I don’t want to change a person. It is my job to own my needs, and in doing so the other person will either show up even if it requires they learn how- I’ll never shy away from learning new things with a partner. It’s a two way road. I want to learn what they need. I want them equally all in as I am. I want them knowing 1,000,000% I choose them too!
So here’s to the continuation of learning… growing…living … loving… and being adored how you deserve!
Hugs,
Sam
the walking hb2995’s. We walk in these shoes so others won’t buy in their size. we’re here to discontinue the brand… coercive control.
Arizona Safe Parents Honoring Alec and Lydia Bill HB2995 Arizona State Capital with Hope Hooton, Arizona State Representatives Rachel Keshel, Lisa Fink and Arizona State Senator J.D. Mesnard.
August 2026 has been a really pivotal month for my c-PTSD healing. Last week I had a moment of “weakness” which is another word for self-doubt. When I wore the title Wife, I worked long aggressive hours while raising kids and doing all the things. As an independent woman and mom, my day-to-day life feels so slow and yet AI reminded me that my perspective was “quite the opposite Samantha, QUITE THE OPPOSITE.” When it broke down what I had done just that week alone I was floored!
I REALLY DID DO A LOT! That week in particular I had launched my E-Book (self published) that I wrote 5 years prior, I launched a business coaching platform, helped a seller client/ friend start getting the ball rolling to sell her home, been a mom on my “long week” as a co-parent which entails taking boys to/from school and making snacks and lunches, and taking boys on an adventure to Tonto National Forest, doing all the house chores, networking, and applying for national speaking opportunities (Advocacy), and solidified a podcast guest and me being on 2 podcasts as a guest. That was just some of what I did… in 7 days!
Before you keep reading: I am pro-parent which means moms AND dads, I believe in parents making healthy decisions for their children and when their pattern of behavior does not exemplify that: There’s where I have the problem. That’s when it crosses into abuse territory. I am pro-healthy co-parenting when it is free from coercion and abuse, I am pro-healthy children and certainly pro-thriving families. I am pro- judicial education and pro-accountability for anyone in a judicial seat, and I do know that there are good people in legal professions and within municipalities (and state level too), there are also negligent ones and that is based on record and statistics which is where advocacy is necessary to standardize and close the gap.
I belong to a safe group for parents who are part of the Arizona Family Court System, and by a part of the system it’s parents who have had their fair share ++ of a broken judicial system. I didn’t know I’d become an advocate for Family Court Reform, the Lord had a different plan. So here I am, 5 years in the broken system… and about 3 years as an Advocate. We aren’t bitter, but we are ready for real change.
Yesterday was a BIG DAY! HB2995, the Alec and Lydia Act was signed into law on June 22, 2026. This law has pissed some people off, has caused lawyers to scramble, some lawyers to wait on the side line “to see what happens and/or how it plays out”, some Judges to push back, other Judges to lean in to better understand, and a few great Judges to begin applying this law in their courtrooms the way it was intended …overall what it has done is FLIP THE ARIZONA FAMILY COURT UPSIDE DOWN. My opinion, GOOD! Change was needed, the court system has earned the title: “ It’s not that bad” and “ That’s just the way it is.” It’s a de-sensitized system making decisions on long-term outcomes for children which also effects the outcome of an abused co-parent. Often without the proper education requirements in behavioral health, domestic violence training, etc.under their belt.
No thanks. COERCIVE CONTROL is abuse of the utmost. It’s one of the most damaging forms of abuse and outside of family court is seen as a crime in other courts. In the UK it has been proven to be so damaging it’s now an offense with jail time. The United Nation also speaks on how damaging to the victim AND the children this pattern of behavior is. It is seen in many countries now and in the United States there is damning quantities of research that supports it’s worse in many cases than what our war veterans endure in active wars. It’s long-term damage that once caused affects the quality of life and brain wiring of that human forever: there is no repairing the damage. It’s a matter of learning how to live with the damage, often while still having to interact with their abuser… the co-parent weekly because they share children. YES, this means the math ain’t mathin’… the victim is to remain at the control of their abuser ongoing until “the kid is 18”.
Ask yourself: could you handle the heat in that kitchen long-term?
The unaliving rates are stacking, the mental health crisis due to this type of abuse increasing, children self-harm rates going up… that math IS showing through data. This is a problem.
The bill forces family court cases to acknowledge Coercive Control ( click the word if you want to learn more) as domestic violence and if there is finding of such, it requires equal parenting time be evaluated as the damage it can cause children is severe. This is a VERY skinny version. I encourage you to read the BILL HERE.
The wheel of Coercive Control HERE
Yesterday was the ceremonial event for the bill, Alec and Lydia’s mom who’s name is Hope Hooton was there. You see, Alec and Lydia were her two children who died at the hands of their father. It wasn’t a lack of her trying to get the courts to intervene, and the massive coercive control she endured for years would rock your world.
Until you have experienced coercive control you CANNOT even fathom what it’s like. That’s healthy if you don’t because it means you’re not being abused by coercive control. Our brains are not wired to understand this type of abuse and that’s because it’s so damaging a healthy brain and body can’t connect the dots on what it would look or feel like. When you hear the stories, it sounds as if the person has lost their marbles. We haven’t it’s our day to day life… in other words our lives lived. We don’t choose the chaos, the abuser chooses to make us their victim as a means of control and power as that’s all they have left ( usually they are also the ones with unlimited access to money for litigation abuse, etc). It is your human responsibility to better understand how brave it is for a victim to share their truth with you and what you can do to support them if you’re special enough that they chose to tell you. The biggest thing I think you can do is: Believe them because they’ve done everything to keep the secret of their abuse from everyone out of fear and out of protecting their abuser’s reputation ( trauma-response.. as we get healthier we learn not to protect them anymore) and don’t turn the other way. It may be super uncomfortable for you. Fair. Imagine what it’s like for them. If you can’t be there how they need, then be honest about that. You’d be shocked how resilient we are. We’d rather you say, “ sorry this is too much for me” and walk away versus “oh I’m here” and you’re actually a ghost. We learn what we can and cannot count on.
For example, this has been 5 years for me ( post separation abuse very much applicable in addition to coercive control) and thoughts that go through my mind on the hard days:
“Sam you have 10 more years to go that’s better than 15 like it used to be.”
“One day life will be okay again. Today’s not the day, but one day. Keep going!”
“The body will have completely all new cells within 7 years, you’re at year 5 Sam… just 2 more to go! You are so close… all new cells!”
“ God has a plan way bigger than you can even comprehend Samantha, he hasn’t forgotten you or the boys. He sees us, I have faith.”
“You are okay, you don’t live with him anymore, the fear you feel is temporary, don’t get frustrated because your body is doing what it’s supposed to… it’s trying to get you away from what’s dangerous… be glad it means your body hasn’t given up on you just yet! Remember, your bravery lasts a lifetime.”
Over the last 5 years I’ve heard phrases like, you need to move on, my brother used the phrase “ you’re playing victim” hadn’t talked to him in over a year, someone who knows both of us said” it wasn’t really that bad was it? I mean really?” , and “ it’s time to put the past behind you’re holding yourself back.” My favorite one… it’s mindset you need to push through it. You are what you tell yourself…(insert massive eye roll) ignorance about c-PTSD, and Domestic Abuse is not bliss- it’s ignorance.
I can tell you what: We are not victims by choice, we are because of what’s been done or is being done to us. The more I go along this journey what I recognize more and more is the chicken or egg syndrome. What I mean by that is this:
I don’t know who’s worse and by worse I mean damaging… the actual abuser or the people who support the abuser.
They cause the coercive controller to feel invincible, and the victim to feel degraded. Abusers and those who don’t hold an abuser accountable remove something, quite possibly THE MOST IMPORTANT THING A HUMAN BEING HAS:
Their autonomy.
In other words they strip a human being from the ability to feel they have any sense of say in their life, no sense of safety nor peace, and fear not having opportunity to live through the abuse due to no breathing room to heal and get their footing under them… they remove all hope. The abuser and those who enable these actions make an actual human being question if this life is better without them in it. They make the victim doubt their actual being and question their own reality.
WOW! I’ll just leave that there.
HB2995 gives us hope again. It’s not a miracle law, it will require a ton of action and education. Our group is one of the best acknowledged and respected ones in Arizona and I dare say on a National level.
Being a part of yesterday did something to my core: it rocked me.
I was in the parking lot early waiting to go into the State Capitol “State Building” and thoughts while I made the ribbons were:
-It’s screwed up I know how to get here without my GPS from Surprise, AZ (over 50 miles away)
-It’s screwed up I usually get the same parking space
-I hate my body shakes and my jaw clenches almost to where my molar feels like it will split out of fear in speaking up.
-It’s just not right that Alec and Lydia had to lose their lives … two innocent children so that people like me and so many others could have a hair of a chance to find breathing room and reprieve from abuse. **making the ribbons so delicately as a way to honor them in this life hoping they would look down and know they are not forgotten by all of us. I didn’t know them and yet they are “one of us.” **
I cried hearing the awards being presented, I cried hearing the words parents shared and cried even more when the Senator and State Representatives shared how our stories made a difference and helped them get this pushed through.
You see, in my case I know I risk losing my boys and severe retaliation ( I have documentation to validate) simply for speaking truth about what I’m experiencing… what my boys are enduring too. They are 11 and 8 and this has been going on since they were 6 and 3. More than half their life. My boys are a shell of who they used to be due to coercive control and the damaging effects it has.
“In hurting you Samantha, in abusing you he is abusing these boys!!! Promise me you will fight and don’t stop until there is change” - That was Michael’s feedback and he had skin in the game to know what he was taking about. He’s the dad of my older 3 and my ex-husband who has known me since I was 14. He shared this comment about 5-6 weeks before he lost his cancer battle.
One little girl who didn’t know me saw me crying and came over, “ are you okay that I give you a hug? You look like you need one.” I did. I squeezed her tight. She gave me a few after that too due to my crying. I needed those.
WHY? Because my boys don’t know I’m doing all this, I do this for them without them even knowing. They want therapy and aren’t allowed not by my doing, I’ve been in family court for 5 years asking they be granted permission to see a counselor and get evaluations without luck yet. The doctors agree, the school agrees, the court system doesn’t yet.
I promised my boys I’d get them counseling, and I plan to keep my promise.
Before I walked out I went to say something to one of the Arizona State House Representatives, Rachel Keshel whom I spoke in front of last year, “I was here last year…” I know who you are. I remember your testimony. I remember you. — THAT FEELING OF BEING SEEN. She told me last year my kids needed me to stick around and not to give up and that she’d make sure they would do something about it. She held her word. I did too.
I walked out yesterday and realized something that is still really hard to process when I’m being honest with myself:
I don’t want to be “ one of them”… one of “ those people” … a victim of domestic abuse ( coercive control) and yet the order of protection I have in place and the Judge who upheld it and added Brady Law acknowledged it’s true by legal statute. Police are concerned, DV Advocates in my city concerned, my doctor concerned… all “the smart people”. I NEVER THOUGHT this would be my life. I don’t “look” the part because it’s not bruises, if you did a brain/body scan there you’d see the physiological damage. If you knew everything you’d agree with my doctor, that how on earth I haven’t had a complete mental breakdown in which I get admitted is truly a God thing.
Yet in not wanting to be “ one of them”, I am one of them, and they are turning out to be some of the most safe people I know. It’s a group of parents who when we’re together or communicating do not even a single time give a look of pity ( which is traumatizing and makes me feel worse because I feel I shouldn’t have shared with the person I did), nor do they give a look or make a noise or question the validity of what you are saying.
They know it’s true , we believe each other without anything to prove. We’ve become used to people making us prove it’s the truth. Victims often have to prove their innocence over and over again, at the cost of losing so much of everything in the process. We are seen as guilty or the problem. We do not and cannot control an abuser, we don’t have that kind of superpower.
Would you still speak the truth if it meant you’d lose everything?
My answer was yes, because it’s still the truth. Early 2025, I spoke in front of the Arizona State Capital ad hoc Committee Meeting. My kids didn’t choose me as their mom, it’s my job to show my words and actions align. It’s my job to help make this system better.
Advocacy this week taught me that we are walking in our own shoes so that others don’t have to. We walk in these shoes not for ourselves because the damage is already done, and we don’t get compensated for it. We walk in these shoes looking like that story of the man in the arena Brenè Brown talks about all the time. We walk in these shoes so that we can make sure it get’s discontinued. “I can envision the day.. Domestic Violence by Coercive Control… discontinued!” Praise the Lord, we’re chunking them in the dumpster is what I’ll day that day!
We don’t plan to back down, and we plan to continue making changes and promoting why family court reform is an urgent priority. We plan to do it with our brave voices, our faces, our stories, our advocacy efforts, our supporters, and most important with integrity…. after all the kids are watching. They are our future and healthy co-parents and children deserve the opportunity to thrive.
So here’s to the first blog post being bold, and my new blog area being a place where it lands on your heart exactly how you need. If you need support resources or want to get involved and help let me know.
I see you, I love you, you matter… to me.
-Sam