the walking hb2995’s. We walk in these shoes so others won’t buy in their size. we’re here to discontinue the brand… coercive control.
Arizona Safe Parents Honoring Alec and Lydia Bill HB2995 Arizona State Capital with Hope Hooton, Arizona State Representatives Rachel Keshel, Lisa Fink and Arizona State Senator J.D. Mesnard.
August 2026 has been a really pivotal month for my c-PTSD healing. Last week I had a moment of “weakness” which is another word for self-doubt. When I wore the title Wife, I worked long aggressive hours while raising kids and doing all the things. As an independent woman and mom, my day-to-day life feels so slow and yet AI reminded me that my perspective was “quite the opposite Samantha, QUITE THE OPPOSITE.” When it broke down what I had done just that week alone I was floored!
I REALLY DID DO A LOT! That week in particular I had launched my E-Book (self published) that I wrote 5 years prior, I launched a business coaching platform, helped a seller client/ friend start getting the ball rolling to sell her home, been a mom on my “long week” as a co-parent which entails taking boys to/from school and making snacks and lunches, and taking boys on an adventure to Tonto National Forest, doing all the house chores, networking, and applying for national speaking opportunities (Advocacy), and solidified a podcast guest and me being on 2 podcasts as a guest. That was just some of what I did… in 7 days!
Before you keep reading: I am pro-parent which means moms AND dads, I believe in parents making healthy decisions for their children and when their pattern of behavior does not exemplify that: There’s where I have the problem. That’s when it crosses into abuse territory. I am pro-healthy co-parenting when it is free from coercion and abuse, I am pro-healthy children and certainly pro-thriving families. I am pro- judicial education and pro-accountability for anyone in a judicial seat, and I do know that there are good people in legal professions and within municipalities (and state level too), there are also negligent ones and that is based on record and statistics which is where advocacy is necessary to standardize and close the gap.
I belong to a safe group for parents who are part of the Arizona Family Court System, and by a part of the system it’s parents who have had their fair share ++ of a broken judicial system. I didn’t know I’d become an advocate for Family Court Reform, the Lord had a different plan. So here I am, 5 years in the broken system… and about 3 years as an Advocate. We aren’t bitter, but we are ready for real change.
Yesterday was a BIG DAY! HB2995, the Alec and Lydia Act was signed into law on June 22, 2026. This law has pissed some people off, has caused lawyers to scramble, some lawyers to wait on the side line “to see what happens and/or how it plays out”, some Judges to push back, other Judges to lean in to better understand, and a few great Judges to begin applying this law in their courtrooms the way it was intended …overall what it has done is FLIP THE ARIZONA FAMILY COURT UPSIDE DOWN. My opinion, GOOD! Change was needed, the court system has earned the title: “ It’s not that bad” and “ That’s just the way it is.” It’s a de-sensitized system making decisions on long-term outcomes for children which also effects the outcome of an abused co-parent. Often without the proper education requirements in behavioral health, domestic violence training, etc.under their belt.
No thanks. COERCIVE CONTROL is abuse of the utmost. It’s one of the most damaging forms of abuse and outside of family court is seen as a crime in other courts. In the UK it has been proven to be so damaging it’s now an offense with jail time. The United Nation also speaks on how damaging to the victim AND the children this pattern of behavior is. It is seen in many countries now and in the United States there is damning quantities of research that supports it’s worse in many cases than what our war veterans endure in active wars. It’s long-term damage that once caused affects the quality of life and brain wiring of that human forever: there is no repairing the damage. It’s a matter of learning how to live with the damage, often while still having to interact with their abuser… the co-parent weekly because they share children. YES, this means the math ain’t mathin’… the victim is to remain at the control of their abuser ongoing until “the kid is 18”.
Ask yourself: could you handle the heat in that kitchen long-term?
The unaliving rates are stacking, the mental health crisis due to this type of abuse increasing, children self-harm rates going up… that math IS showing through data. This is a problem.
The bill forces family court cases to acknowledge Coercive Control ( click the word if you want to learn more) as domestic violence and if there is finding of such, it requires equal parenting time be evaluated as the damage it can cause children is severe. This is a VERY skinny version. I encourage you to read the BILL HERE.
The wheel of Coercive Control HERE
Yesterday was the ceremonial event for the bill, Alec and Lydia’s mom who’s name is Hope Hooton was there. You see, Alec and Lydia were her two children who died at the hands of their father. It wasn’t a lack of her trying to get the courts to intervene, and the massive coercive control she endured for years would rock your world.
Until you have experienced coercive control you CANNOT even fathom what it’s like. That’s healthy if you don’t because it means you’re not being abused by coercive control. Our brains are not wired to understand this type of abuse and that’s because it’s so damaging a healthy brain and body can’t connect the dots on what it would look or feel like. When you hear the stories, it sounds as if the person has lost their marbles. We haven’t it’s our day to day life… in other words our lives lived. We don’t choose the chaos, the abuser chooses to make us their victim as a means of control and power as that’s all they have left ( usually they are also the ones with unlimited access to money for litigation abuse, etc). It is your human responsibility to better understand how brave it is for a victim to share their truth with you and what you can do to support them if you’re special enough that they chose to tell you. The biggest thing I think you can do is: Believe them because they’ve done everything to keep the secret of their abuse from everyone out of fear and out of protecting their abuser’s reputation ( trauma-response.. as we get healthier we learn not to protect them anymore) and don’t turn the other way. It may be super uncomfortable for you. Fair. Imagine what it’s like for them. If you can’t be there how they need, then be honest about that. You’d be shocked how resilient we are. We’d rather you say, “ sorry this is too much for me” and walk away versus “oh I’m here” and you’re actually a ghost. We learn what we can and cannot count on.
For example, this has been 5 years for me ( post separation abuse very much applicable in addition to coercive control) and thoughts that go through my mind on the hard days:
“Sam you have 10 more years to go that’s better than 15 like it used to be.”
“One day life will be okay again. Today’s not the day, but one day. Keep going!”
“The body will have completely all new cells within 7 years, you’re at year 5 Sam… just 2 more to go! You are so close… all new cells!”
“ God has a plan way bigger than you can even comprehend Samantha, he hasn’t forgotten you or the boys. He sees us, I have faith.”
“You are okay, you don’t live with him anymore, the fear you feel is temporary, don’t get frustrated because your body is doing what it’s supposed to… it’s trying to get you away from what’s dangerous… be glad it means your body hasn’t given up on you just yet! Remember, your bravery lasts a lifetime.”
Over the last 5 years I’ve heard phrases like, you need to move on, my brother used the phrase “ you’re playing victim” hadn’t talked to him in over a year, someone who knows both of us said” it wasn’t really that bad was it? I mean really?” , and “ it’s time to put the past behind you’re holding yourself back.” My favorite one… it’s mindset you need to push through it. You are what you tell yourself…(insert massive eye roll) ignorance about c-PTSD, and Domestic Abuse is not bliss- it’s ignorance.
I can tell you what: We are not victims by choice, we are because of what’s been done or is being done to us. The more I go along this journey what I recognize more and more is the chicken or egg syndrome. What I mean by that is this:
I don’t know who’s worse and by worse I mean damaging… the actual abuser or the people who support the abuser.
They cause the coercive controller to feel invincible, and the victim to feel degraded. Abusers and those who don’t hold an abuser accountable remove something, quite possibly THE MOST IMPORTANT THING A HUMAN BEING HAS:
Their autonomy.
In other words they strip a human being from the ability to feel they have any sense of say in their life, no sense of safety nor peace, and fear not having opportunity to live through the abuse due to no breathing room to heal and get their footing under them… they remove all hope. The abuser and those who enable these actions make an actual human being question if this life is better without them in it. They make the victim doubt their actual being and question their own reality.
WOW! I’ll just leave that there.
HB2995 gives us hope again. It’s not a miracle law, it will require a ton of action and education. Our group is one of the best acknowledged and respected ones in Arizona and I dare say on a National level.
Being a part of yesterday did something to my core: it rocked me.
I was in the parking lot early waiting to go into the State Capitol “State Building” and thoughts while I made the ribbons were:
-It’s screwed up I know how to get here without my GPS from Surprise, AZ (over 50 miles away)
-It’s screwed up I usually get the same parking space
-I hate my body shakes and my jaw clenches almost to where my molar feels like it will split out of fear in speaking up.
-It’s just not right that Alec and Lydia had to lose their lives … two innocent children so that people like me and so many others could have a hair of a chance to find breathing room and reprieve from abuse. **making the ribbons so delicately as a way to honor them in this life hoping they would look down and know they are not forgotten by all of us. I didn’t know them and yet they are “one of us.” **
I cried hearing the awards being presented, I cried hearing the words parents shared and cried even more when the Senator and State Representatives shared how our stories made a difference and helped them get this pushed through.
You see, in my case I know I risk losing my boys and severe retaliation ( I have documentation to validate) simply for speaking truth about what I’m experiencing… what my boys are enduring too. They are 11 and 8 and this has been going on since they were 6 and 3. More than half their life. My boys are a shell of who they used to be due to coercive control and the damaging effects it has.
“In hurting you Samantha, in abusing you he is abusing these boys!!! Promise me you will fight and don’t stop until there is change” - That was Michael’s feedback and he had skin in the game to know what he was taking about. He’s the dad of my older 3 and my ex-husband who has known me since I was 14. He shared this comment about 5-6 weeks before he lost his cancer battle.
One little girl who didn’t know me saw me crying and came over, “ are you okay that I give you a hug? You look like you need one.” I did. I squeezed her tight. She gave me a few after that too due to my crying. I needed those.
WHY? Because my boys don’t know I’m doing all this, I do this for them without them even knowing. They want therapy and aren’t allowed not by my doing, I’ve been in family court for 5 years asking they be granted permission to see a counselor and get evaluations without luck yet. The doctors agree, the school agrees, the court system doesn’t yet.
I promised my boys I’d get them counseling, and I plan to keep my promise.
Before I walked out I went to say something to one of the Arizona State House Representatives, Rachel Keshel whom I spoke in front of last year, “I was here last year…” I know who you are. I remember your testimony. I remember you. — THAT FEELING OF BEING SEEN. She told me last year my kids needed me to stick around and not to give up and that she’d make sure they would do something about it. She held her word. I did too.
I walked out yesterday and realized something that is still really hard to process when I’m being honest with myself:
I don’t want to be “ one of them”… one of “ those people” … a victim of domestic abuse ( coercive control) and yet the order of protection I have in place and the Judge who upheld it and added Brady Law acknowledged it’s true by legal statute. Police are concerned, DV Advocates in my city concerned, my doctor concerned… all “the smart people”. I NEVER THOUGHT this would be my life. I don’t “look” the part because it’s not bruises, if you did a brain/body scan there you’d see the physiological damage. If you knew everything you’d agree with my doctor, that how on earth I haven’t had a complete mental breakdown in which I get admitted is truly a God thing.
Yet in not wanting to be “ one of them”, I am one of them, and they are turning out to be some of the most safe people I know. It’s a group of parents who when we’re together or communicating do not even a single time give a look of pity ( which is traumatizing and makes me feel worse because I feel I shouldn’t have shared with the person I did), nor do they give a look or make a noise or question the validity of what you are saying.
They know it’s true , we believe each other without anything to prove. We’ve become used to people making us prove it’s the truth. Victims often have to prove their innocence over and over again, at the cost of losing so much of everything in the process. We are seen as guilty or the problem. We do not and cannot control an abuser, we don’t have that kind of superpower.
Would you still speak the truth if it meant you’d lose everything?
My answer was yes, because it’s still the truth. Early 2025, I spoke in front of the Arizona State Capital ad hoc Committee Meeting. My kids didn’t choose me as their mom, it’s my job to show my words and actions align. It’s my job to help make this system better.
Advocacy this week taught me that we are walking in our own shoes so that others don’t have to. We walk in these shoes not for ourselves because the damage is already done, and we don’t get compensated for it. We walk in these shoes looking like that story of the man in the arena Brenè Brown talks about all the time. We walk in these shoes so that we can make sure it get’s discontinued. “I can envision the day.. Domestic Violence by Coercive Control… discontinued!” Praise the Lord, we’re chunking them in the dumpster is what I’ll day that day!
We don’t plan to back down, and we plan to continue making changes and promoting why family court reform is an urgent priority. We plan to do it with our brave voices, our faces, our stories, our advocacy efforts, our supporters, and most important with integrity…. after all the kids are watching. They are our future and healthy co-parents and children deserve the opportunity to thrive.
So here’s to the first blog post being bold, and my new blog area being a place where it lands on your heart exactly how you need. If you need support resources or want to get involved and help let me know.
I see you, I love you, you matter… to me.
-Sam
