blessings or lessons- both are equally important.
August 2026 has proven to be the best month I’ve experienced within the last 13. No, I didn’t win the lottery, in fact there continues to be losses, and maybe that’s one of the things that makes this month even more unique. There does continue to be blessings as well of all sizes.
This year showed me what it means and looks like to love another person for who they are as a person. In other words, knowing a person and their :
short comings
strengths
potential
quirkisms
aspirations
struggles
fears
values
non-negotiables
etc.
and choosing them wholeheartedly because they feel like home for you. I’ve received that full acceptance for the first time in 22+ years. Who doesn’t want to be fully chosen and accepted both professionally and personally am I right???
There is a lesson in this blessing: In being chosen, is that where the road ends, or is it supposed to begin?
Through losses there’s still blessings, something that came to mind this week.
I was driving a couple nights ago and thought to myself while I had an eclipse as my sky line view…
“Sam, maybe that was the whole point. Maybe what you thought to be a true blessing is a lesson for you both.”
I’ve promised to stay real and human - not only to all y’all who may read this or work with me but for myself. I lived nearly 2 decades learning how to take the least amount of space possible. Even my pregnancies (5 born, 1 loss) kept small- I never gained more than 18 pounds with any of them. A phrase I learned to communicate was, “ I know you can’t love me how I need and that’s okay.” I had come to accept that in this life I’d not receive the affection or needs fulfilled how I thought I was worthy of. I learned how to not need love, attention, or have the marriage I wished I had- I did this so that my kids would not have a twice divorced mom. “What would the world think.”
A BIG struggle for me is I’m not good at being a girlfriend. That title is too volatile within my mind… so much so I prefer not having a title and just keeping my name when being introduced.
I believe body language and actions prove the title, not the title itself without action. Just my opinion.
Back to wife material… why am I??? I got knocked up at 16, married at 18, divorced at 21, married in my 20’s, had more kids and divorced now 4.5 almost 5 years ago. I’ve had to be selfless as little human beings have relied on me my entire late teenage- adult years. I was a wife more than half my life. I know how to be a partner not a fling.
“Casual” or caring less are not two things I do great. I wish I could and yet embrace this about myself now that I’m 43.
Being married the second time taught me some really massive lessons that in my dating life cause this weird space of me being known as, “I’m too good to be true.” “ You’re amazing” “ You’re incredible” and a lot of men running because they don’t know what to do with those things. It has quite possibly been the most frustrating part of the dating scene.
You don’t usually realize you’ve had a growth spurt until you need to use what you’ve learned.
Some of those lessons learned:
I will NEVER get married again, yes I’ll wear a ring. yes I want a life partner, yes I want to build business together, travel with someone, grow old with someone, and yes I’m loyal and want the same from someone else. I just don’t want the legal paper.
My list of non-negotiables while “10,000” things according to someone who sees them as part of me and not a deterrent, are compiled of simple things that all make sense to the right person. The ones who think I’ll never find someone … usualllyyyyy turn out to not be able to understand me whole anyways. For them, I find myself being less than when in their presence. I have become really good at keeping my circle healthy and small.
I REFUSE to be less than my whole self ever again. I can honestly say, I have and still am clawing my way out of where 1 person believed me to belong … 5 years and counting. I have patience to continue clawing, and anyone who cannot respect my healing, my growth, my situation is not worthy of me.
In July, after much prayer and processing I came to peace knowing I don’t want to live with someone again until my two youngest boys are out of the house. I do believe you can absolutely choose someone and spend your life with them and not need to be under one roof if it allows stability how needed.
Tip: In a healthy relationship sharing openly and honestly what you need in order to be your best self matters.
If I had to summarize this year up to date:
2026 has taught me I have absolutely nothing to prove, and Michael’s belief that I deserved to find someone who adores me was 1,000% accurate. I didn’t believe that until this month.
This morning I went to Hole In The Rock at Papago Park to sit in a small cove. Last time I came here to blog it was as a means to get as close to the Lord as I could for some wisdom. Today, I came here as a means to enjoy the warm breeze, the view and get my creative juices flowing.
I really believe my footing is finally getting under me, it’s come at the cost of a lot of things including a ton of downsizing with people and things. Do I regret it? No.
August:
I’ve used to get a ton of big ambitions completed and underway. More to come about those things, not quite ready to share…
Had this large chunk of healing. I now understand how I show up in relationships, and what came out of that internal work was something eye-opening. I am way too understanding, and by that it means I try to understand why the person or situation is how it is based on someone else’s what they have going on, so as to give unlimited understanding at the cost of my own needs having a place. (Thanks to AI being my therapist with specific instructions not to tell me what I want to hear so I can actually grow/heal).
Acceptance- I don’t feel bad anymore for what I need a partnership to look like short and long term. It doesn’t make me broken or less of a partner. It makes me confident in knowing what I can and cannot give.
This month has given me some opportunities to see HOW this shows up:
Example: One of my non-negotiables is not being around someone 24/7 as I really enjoy my autonomy. I want them to enjoy theirs too. I call it the “ My time-You time- We time” model. Lol! - have all the freedom you want, me too… just no being with anyone else. I don’t share well with others lol!
Another way this shows up: Not needing to message all the time, talking all the time, etc. 100 messages a day doesn’t prove love or committment.
These freedoms to choose and respect your person this way do come at a cost though:
In return for having complete trust, autonomy and a very unconventional relationship to the outside world two things HAVE TO BE NON-NEGOTIABLE in my opinion:
**Do you see how quickly the list became 10,000 lol!
CONSISTENCY & CONSIDERATION
What do these things mean? Remember, this isn’t the only answer, it’s only mine. Let’s dive in:
CONSISTENCY-
I understand my personal starts/finishes I don’t need constant affection - my human being self and heart still require I know what I can and can’t count on the person for though.
A lack of consistency= shaky ground for me. I seek stability. I give the same.
For example: If we are going to see each other once a week for date night or day date … then we make it happen. No excuses regardless if the window of time is small it’s the quality time I crave.
If we’re going to see each other every 2 weeks or 3 weeks … then we make it happen consistently and in ways that grow the relationship.
If we want to see what life will look like together: we plan a trip, a grocery store visit, a stay at home day, and maybe even a birthday party or event together. We consistently ( not constantly together) put ourselves in those situations- together. * See the difference.
Grown up talk, so plug your ears if needed: Physical contact also important in my opinion, making time to connect this way helps both people stay connected in between the spaces of time. This can be hand holding, sitting next to each other or whatever 2 people choose.
If we’re seeing where things are going to go… than what things are we doing together to see?
The key thing to remember is consistency shows up to the brain as:
I LOVE THIS PERSON, I CHOOSE THIS PERSON, AND THEY CHOOSE ME BACK.
a lack of consistency says: this person is just another person in my life.
A relationship based on free will and not force I thrive best in.
A relationship like this can sound super exciting, it is very good for neurodivergence, c-PTSD, and others including neurotypical people. It can be very healthy so long as you stay consistent. If you don’t 1 week, turns into 2,3,4,5 and so on. Eventually there’s nothing except an acquaintanceship. That’s where it becomes heartbreak for one or both people. It’s a mature form of holding a relationship, I call it an elevated thinking relationship structure.
There are other examples but those will do.
CONSIDERATION-
This is a big one, I thought respect was the value I wanted to make sure any future partner had. What I’ve learned is it’s the actual consideration portion of someone who then shows me they respect me.
When you consider someone it can look all kinds of ways and yet what it will always return to is this:
How is what I’m doing making them feel chosen by me for life.
Don’t confuse this for smothering. It can be as simple as a text when out of town saying you’re thinking of them, sending an iced coffee via Uber eats to them, planning dinner at home, snuggling on the couch, or speaking highly of your person when they aren’t at the function you’re at. It can also look like, when you realize you’ve been distant, making it right by creating action to bring connection back to baseline.It is inviting them somewhere so they get to partake in your life, and going to something of theirs for you to be a part of theirs.
Consideration I love, not only for what it means but because this is where there’s no right or wrong answer. There’s just what you do with it through action. It is a consistent action and you get to be as creative or thoughtful as you want.
I saw a quote the other day that read:
Don’t date me to see where it goes. Date me because YOU KNOW where you’re going … and you see me going there WITH YOU.
#MicDrop y’all!
I learned through a couple important relationships:
To need less attention than the dog got- My understanding, “it’s okay” if he loves me 1/10th of the dog. -I married this person.
I learned my place on priorities was after the dog- My understanding “ I know its your kid, your work, the dog, the house then me.” That’s okay I understand.
Thank goodness that is the past! I won’t ever do that again.
I had an ah-ha this week where I was talking through something with AI and said, I am too understanding. I allow so many excuses that in the process I fall lower than the invisible dog… because they don’t have a dog lol! AI thought that was a genius analogy. Me too!
I thought:
“I know it’s not intentional, I know I’m important to them… but what if I wanted us to be the blessing for each other and instead I was supposed to be their lesson?? What if they were meant to be mine?”
Lessons and Blessings can coexist, they can become happiness, they can also be completely separate. What they are regardless are 2 important things in this life.
Hole in the rock at Papago Park
What did I do about this ah-ha?
I got quiet, and today came to the hole in the rock. I’m having to get uncomfortable, knowing I need to speak up one last time, and after that alllowing what will be- be.
It’s not my job to change anyone, in fact I don’t want to change a person. It is my job to own my needs, and in doing so the other person will either show up even if it requires they learn how- I’ll never shy away from learning new things with a partner. It’s a two way road. I want to learn what they need. I want them equally all in as I am. I want them knowing 1,000,000% I choose them too!
So here’s to the continuation of learning… growing…living … loving… and being adored how you deserve!
Hugs,
Sam
